Post Traumatic Perfectionist Syndrome

I always feel a self imposed daily pressure to succeed as though I'm in competition with myself.

Aren't you already successful, you may ask? Yeah, well, there's the rub. I never feel it, like I'm being chased to do, do, and do more. I don't think I read enough. Do I contribute to my community enough? Did I really do all I can for the grandsons? Will this story be a flop? Etc.etc.etc.

Why can't I just do? What drives me to need to go one better than my yesterday's self and then feel badly if I don't? After all, just getting through a day's work isn't so easy. Why would I queer that by suggesting it isn't enough? It has to shine like a well polished floor and reflect back perfection or else. I finished a pendant yesterday. It was good and the client will love it. But I could see flaws. Doesn't that prove I'm not very good? So I spend countless, unpaid hours, smoothing and correcting imperfections that can only be seen through a magnifying glass.

So today, I'm anxious. I look at my unfinished chapters, the flute I'm trying to finish and wonder if I'll ever be able to get it right.